Self-pity

I admit it, I've been feeling unappreciated. Its one of the downsides of this life, or any I suppose. At home, I'm not as necessary, having taught my kids to be more self-sufficient. And I cannot tell you how much I rely on their abilities to cook, clean, care for the animals and keep the household running. All three of them are incredible people. This sufficiency is priceless and was and is worth all of the doubt and judgement that people expressed over my pushing the kids to learn from a very early age.

I rely on the kids so much. I need them here to do things that I just am unable to do now. And while I trust them and I trust their training and knowledge, I try not to take advantage of it. Its hard going from having a stay-at-home mom that was involved to having a working mom who is barely able to cope. I don't want them to feel like they have to take care of everything without a parent to help them.

So while I'm immensely proud of my children for stepping up when I work, I feel bad because I can't do it all.

This was one of those weeks. The kind that I struggle through the little challenges, and it seemed like there were so many of them. I did jobs that needed to be done but it was a struggle to do so. I felt like I supported everyone else in what they needed to do, but there wasn't a lot of support for me to draw upon. Its the nature of my position in both my personal and professional life.

And as I slogged through, the weekend looked no better. With my husband gone to take the oldest to summer camp, I've fought through the sleepless nights and exhausted days as the RP (responsible parent). And my second-born has done more than her share of the work to help me.

We should have celebrated Father's Day and our wedding anniversary today. The kids gave their dad his gift on Saturday morning before he left. I anticipated that my husband would be back tonight from his trip dropping the oldest off, but he decided to stay in Oregon another night instead. So beyond a couple of text messages our anniversary was overlooked.

So here I am, feeling a bit sorry that we missed our anniversary.  Feeling irritated that work didn't turn out the way I wanted this week and feeling exhausted.

There isn't a fix for it.  There is no vacation to escape. This is the day-to-day life of someone who is tired and overwhelmed.

Another failed night

Once again I've given up the pretense of sleeping. I don't know what sleep is anymore. I can't remember going to bed and sleeping or waking up ready to face the day. I can't remember even the joy of falling into bed exhausted knowing that sleep would cure me. Every night is a worsening ritual of failing to find even a single position where the pain is alleviated enough to fall asleep.  It's somewhat horrible to live in constant, worsening pain.

I worry. 

My husband and his partner are very close to launching a project. One that has the potential to bring us out of this poverty that we've struggled with for way too long. He's logged many hours in research and has many more to go. And as is the case in his line of work, he will have to start traveling again. 

I don't worry about his safety. I don't worry about the many miles they will travel. I don't worry about the risks they take. I worry about how I will manage without him here.

My husband does so much just to keep me working. He knows that every step hurts, and every minute I stand is painful. He does the household chores and keeps everything running. He gets up in the morning and makes sure that the day starts so I can sleep if I've managed to fall asleep. He takes the kids to their activities and supervises their schoolwork. On occasion he goes so far as to help me dress when walking across the bedroom or standing up is just too much. 

I'm just not sure how I will manage to take care of not only myself, but my kids, pets and home if he is gone. I used to grouse when he was gone, but I could handle it. Now, I'm not so sure.