As we know by now, its the unrelenting fear that wears us down when facing poverty and pain. It eats at the mind -- always there, always mocking every effort, always making sure we know what the count is and how close to failure we are. Obviously, we've failed spectacularly over the past two years. And some of that failure we will never be able to remedy. We won't be able to erase it, or make it better with happy memories. The darkness of that failure will be carried forever. You can't erase mistakes in life.
So its with this new autumn that we prepare for the next round of challenges. With my oldest's brutally early schedule and my own late one we have to navigate how I can continue to be the mom she needs. For less than an hour every morning as she gets ready for the day I catch such tiny glimpses of what she is facing, learning and experiencing. Its hard to go from hours a day together to a few groggy minutes in the dark of morning.
I do what I have to do to keep my family sheltered from the approaching winter. I do what I can to ensure that we are safe. But its so difficult at times to hope that my choices aren't the reason my kids fail in their lives.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Ch-ch-ch-changes
I've started a number of new posts over the months and not finished any of them. So many little things. So many big things. So many things that never seem to change have taken place. So many interruptions.
The moment the kids hear the sounds of me tapping away on the keyboard of this ancient laptop, they congregate -- needing more attention than they have asked for in days. I've tried to sneak off to update the blog, and I've tried to double-check on each person before I've started, but as all moms know there is no way to ensure that you can have a peaceful moment to hash out life on the keyboard.
We've had big changes here. My oldest has decided to go to school in a brick and mortar school. While we've always said we want the best possible education for the individual, its a little harder when the time came for one of my kids to take control of their education and future. So we've supported her in her change, and try to make it less of a culture shock. But the truth is that going from an education that is self-directed and takes place in the comfort of home to one in an institution will never be easy. Being told when you are allowed to think and when you can't, when you are allowed to eat, drink and use the bathroom instead of when your body says you should and the only steps you are allowed to take in order to come to the only correct answer is overwhelming. And she is overwhelmed.
And now, because with the fees and supplies involved in going to a free, public school, we can't afford to bring her home to continue learning at her own pace in an environment where the dress code is yoga casual. Its heartbreaking and we can only pray that she overcomes the shock and the immense anxiety and manages to swim instead of sink.
In other news, I continue to deal with my knees and back painfully falling apart, with arthritis now affecting more and more joints as time goes on. What started as an injury that should have been taken care of has turned into a giant mess of pain. Often with every joint, tendon and muscle from the waist down in agony. Days are spent gritting my teeth and hoping to survive. Nights are spent avoiding sleep that won't come and carefully arranging myself to reduce the amount of pressure on my knee. Even the sheet is too rough and painful to the joint.
I did finally get clearance for a Synvisc shot that many people claimed to have worked wonderfully for them. No one mentioned how incredibly painful the shot itself was -- I passed out. Nor did anyone mention that the side effects were actually quite horrible. But then again the literature claimed less than six percent of patients experiences any or all of them. I was in that small percentage of people who experienced all of the side effects and for longer than promised. If only my chances at the lottery were so good.
So these are the changes worth mentioning. I get up early to see my oldest for the 30 minutes it takes her to get around for school and out the door to the bus, followed by days of keeping my other two on track in their educations. Nights of work followed by late nights of restlessness as sleep evades me. I don't ever get ahead in any of these endeavors which just proves that the poor are lazy and good for nothing.
The moment the kids hear the sounds of me tapping away on the keyboard of this ancient laptop, they congregate -- needing more attention than they have asked for in days. I've tried to sneak off to update the blog, and I've tried to double-check on each person before I've started, but as all moms know there is no way to ensure that you can have a peaceful moment to hash out life on the keyboard.
We've had big changes here. My oldest has decided to go to school in a brick and mortar school. While we've always said we want the best possible education for the individual, its a little harder when the time came for one of my kids to take control of their education and future. So we've supported her in her change, and try to make it less of a culture shock. But the truth is that going from an education that is self-directed and takes place in the comfort of home to one in an institution will never be easy. Being told when you are allowed to think and when you can't, when you are allowed to eat, drink and use the bathroom instead of when your body says you should and the only steps you are allowed to take in order to come to the only correct answer is overwhelming. And she is overwhelmed.
And now, because with the fees and supplies involved in going to a free, public school, we can't afford to bring her home to continue learning at her own pace in an environment where the dress code is yoga casual. Its heartbreaking and we can only pray that she overcomes the shock and the immense anxiety and manages to swim instead of sink.
In other news, I continue to deal with my knees and back painfully falling apart, with arthritis now affecting more and more joints as time goes on. What started as an injury that should have been taken care of has turned into a giant mess of pain. Often with every joint, tendon and muscle from the waist down in agony. Days are spent gritting my teeth and hoping to survive. Nights are spent avoiding sleep that won't come and carefully arranging myself to reduce the amount of pressure on my knee. Even the sheet is too rough and painful to the joint.
I did finally get clearance for a Synvisc shot that many people claimed to have worked wonderfully for them. No one mentioned how incredibly painful the shot itself was -- I passed out. Nor did anyone mention that the side effects were actually quite horrible. But then again the literature claimed less than six percent of patients experiences any or all of them. I was in that small percentage of people who experienced all of the side effects and for longer than promised. If only my chances at the lottery were so good.
So these are the changes worth mentioning. I get up early to see my oldest for the 30 minutes it takes her to get around for school and out the door to the bus, followed by days of keeping my other two on track in their educations. Nights of work followed by late nights of restlessness as sleep evades me. I don't ever get ahead in any of these endeavors which just proves that the poor are lazy and good for nothing.
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