Limitations

The injury I suffered a couple of years ago has destroyed not only the knee that it happened to but by compensating for it the other knee and two discs in my lower back are in serious trouble now. Some days its really hard to walk or move my legs. Usually at the end of the week I suffer more from the extra steps I've taken. My Sundays are spent mostly in bed or in a recliner. I hate it but its what I have to do in order to keep my family afloat.

While I jump through the hoops that insurance requires of me, and the conservative doctors in my areas hem and haw around about how to treat my compounding problems I still have to work and face every day. 

Sometimes when the pain is bad and my legs just don't work anymore I use a wheelchair. Its liberating being able to leave the house and go someplace despite the pain. There are some major downsides though.

Even as the chair allows me more freedom, its a huge inconvenience to the people around me. Its heavy and bulky and slow. I'm overweight and since I've not put the time into building my arm strength I'm slow. And I'm ashamed to need help being pushed on hills. I don't really know how to open doors by myself, and I'm not strong enough to manage some things on my own.  

Its embarrassing to my family. No one wants to load up the chair to go shopping or even out for a walk.  Its heartbreaking that I'm not going places because I need too much help. Its embarrassing for me to be a part-time wheelchair user too. I've used the chair at work a couple of times, usually at the end of a terrible work week when I was just incapable of walking into the office. Nothing has mortified me more than the person from advertising thinking it was OK to grill me on my wheelchair use when I was just trying to pick up my copies from the printer. 

I hate to call in sick when I'm perfectly able to do my work with a simple modification of using wheels instead of legs, but after that loud and embarrassing questioning I will not use the chair when most others are around. Fortunately, the last day of my work week is Saturday when the office is quiet, and a few tactful coworkers are the other people in the office.

I miss the days of going where I want when I want. I miss the days of taking the kids out for hikes. I miss walking my dogs. And I miss the nightly walks that my husband and I used to take.