The Wall

Every year at Christmastime, we place the gifts on the false wall on in the living room.  It started as a way to keep the kids and pets out of the presents, to keep the floor of a small living room clear of clutter, and as a way to decorate the house for the season.  For those years, the kids have taken joy in counting the gifts on the wall, looking up and trying to read the tiny tags to see which ones belong to them.  They pick their favorite papers and ribbons.  They laugh and try to figure out if each package might fit the size or shape of something from their Christmas lists.  Even in years where we haven't had a lot, and even though we try to fit to minimalist rules, the joy of anticipation fills the house more thoroughly than the scent of gingerbread and sugar cookies.

This year, we didn't start the wall when the box of gifts came from my sister.  We placed the bright and cheerfully wrapped gifts under the borrowed Christmas tree.  When a brother-in-law dropped off some presents on his way through, we took set them aside and didn't place them on the wall, or even under the tree.  A vague thought of waiting until Christmas Eve to put the gifts out was the excuse.  Another box from my sister-in-law, and a second one from my sister accumulated.

And then I realized that I was killing Christmas for my family.  By neglecting to put the gifts on the wall, I was stealing Christmas more effectively than the Grinch.  I'm pretty sure I have a black, little heart shriveled up in my chest.  I hate that I don't know how to do this.  I hate that I don't know how to be gracious enough to allow others to give my children a beautiful Christmas.

The kids were out walking the dogs when we put the gifts on the wall. The smiles and happiness when they saw the wall made me realize that even though I feel a distinct lack of joy this season myself, I cannot be so selfish as to steal it from my children.

So this year, while we fight the depression of repeated failures and a lost lifestyle, we may not have joy of our own, but we have to do our best to preserve the joy of our children.  There is no handbook for poverty, and if there is, we can't afford it.  But if there were, we would have to write a chapter on not destroying your children's hope and joy.  Its not as easy as it sounds when you have to choose between Christmas gifts and dog food.