I was excited to move forward and fix my knee. The idea of living without pain was so appealing and so lovely. I laid out the plans in my head. The doctor appointments, the required x-rays and MRI, the surgery, recovery, rehabilitation. I considered the impact to my family and my work. I knew I could make this more than plans and dreams. I knew I could get back to the life I had before I got hurt.
Reality has set in. I cannot recover my life. The stark, painful truth is that there won't be bike rides with the family, there won't be walks and hikes. I won't ever get to run one of the dogs in agility. Camping won't happen again. I'll never use a hunting license after the girls and I worked to pass the hunter's safety class together. I won't travel.
I am grateful to have a job that I enjoy and that offers benefits. The insurance is reasonable, if you aren't already living in poverty.
I recently started on the plan for my grand life restoration. It was when I was told the MRI would be $2400 that I balked. Perhaps I could shop around. I was given a quote for $800, which was exciting, until I realized that even $800 is incredibly prohibitive.
While I have insurance, I don't have the money for the deductible or out-of-pocket expenses. Not having a great deal of experience at my job means it will be next year before I get vacation or qualify for unpaid leave, which is still a hardship.
When you live paycheck to paycheck, when you don't have a washer and dryer that work, when the transmission on the minivan slips and falters, there is no way in good conscience you can justify spending so much money on yourself. Not when the family you adore and live for, needs so much.
I guess it is time to step back from the edge of freedom.
No comments:
Post a Comment