Vunerable

Its a fact of life that I live in a constant state of worsening pain.  Accompanying that pain is the ever present fear that comes from the vulnerability of being hurt and financially unstable. Sometimes, its hard to accept that this is my life.

I sit next to the Boy and coach him through his math test. I remind him of strategies to succeed when testing, all while wishing I weren't sitting at the kitchen table. I would rather sit in a recliner, ice packs on knees to help numb the pain. I would rather take a nap and try to catch a bit of the ever elusive sleep.  Frankly, I would rather be anywhere other than at this table proctoring a 4th grade math test.

Nights like last night, when I get home late and frustrated by the mistakes I've made, coupled with that pain--that always and forever pain which supersedes all other concerns--makes for a sleepless and harsh night. The morning dawns and I drag myself into the day to be present in the lives of these children of mine.

I know that the Boy and I need this time together at the kitchen table, but I so badly want to abandon the test and abandon this moment I have with him and give up.  It breaks me to realize that this pain has destroyed so much of my life.

I make lunch knowing that each minute I'm closer to having to leave for work, and farther from being ready for it. But this time with him is so dearly important. He may grow up to remember the times that I sat with him, gently prodding him to stay focused on the task at hand.  Those memories may overshadow the times when I ask him to read to me as I rest in my bed gathering my willpower to get through another day.