Its the Monday after Thanksgiving, and I do have a lot to be thankful for. We've managed another year in poverty. With medical insurance from my job I manage to control the pain in my knee a little better. The kids are still fed and we still have water and electricity. We have a vehicle that fits us well enough to get us around town and one that I can use for work.
Our lives are still so very small. I suppose they will be from now on, and I have accepted that. No more trips to see family or friends. No improvements to the house, no improvements to the vehicles, or anything else. We live small and are thankful that nothing big has come up to make things worse.
Christmas is approaching and this year I managed to buy a used Christmas tree ahead of time so we could put one up. I also borrowed a ladder and tested the strength of my knees by hanging the lights on the front of the house. My intention was to be prepared for one last Christmas in the house.
The paperwork sits in the counter waiting for us to fill it out. It will prove that once again we can't afford to continue to live here, but this time we won't have the luxury of the hardship forbearance to help us stay in our home. I make enough money to pay most of the bills with the forbearance but I don't make enough to pay the full payment. From the paperwork its clear that we will lose the house, unless a miracle happens.
So I've decorated. I don't want the weight of reality to completely destroy the magic of the season. And yet the reality is there will be no gifts for the kids this year, and we will walk through the motions to preserve certain traditions. The frantic fear of last year is replaced with sad acceptance that we continue to fail.
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