The plan was we would go to Europe. Our twentieth anniversary fell during a time of grief and commitment, so we couldn't do anything but cope with the events that life had thrown at us. Our 40th birthday year would be when we would go--just the two of us--a vacation for just us. I called my sister and asked the best time of year for her to take the three kids. We looked at the airlines miles and calculated the costs. We researched locations that we wanted to see on our trip. We talked about regions, towns, areas, customs. We started to save. It was to be the honeymoon we didn't take, the vacation we always wanted. It was going to celebrate the well over half of our lives that we've been together, growing, changing and supporting one another.
When his 40th came around, we were already out of unemployment payments. We celebrated his birthday with a cake, a decent dinner. He and I went out for drinks. The kids gave him a couple of new teeshirts. Father's Day was the next day, so he received two new books that day. Our 21st anniversary followed just a few days later. He and I went out to breakfast to celebrate.
Money is so far gone now that going out for a drink is a thought beyond luxury.
Last week we applied for welfare. With more hope than we had any right to hold, we asked for Medicaid. If only I could qualify for help. If only I could get this knee fixed before it was beyond hope. If only we had a little help since we've exhausted our resources and our pride. We qualified for food stamps. The children qualify for Medicaid. I'm told, after the agonizing hour of standing, leaning, sliding against the counter and partition, and shifting weight from my right leg to my hands to the wall, that if we only made more money we'd qualify for the Affordable Care Act, she followed up with "Obamacare" complete with air quotes. He and I don't qualify for Medicaid ourselves--we're in "the gap".
It was scary admitting we needed help. She was nice. We came in well-prepared, which might have helped. She used to work in a bank, but this job was better. Her husband finally got the raise he deserved so she was going to quit soon. She joked about my husband and I having joint accounts and how that leads to divorce. I suppose she sees a lot of the devastation involved with divorces. She apologized and told me I was required to go to mandatory job training, but my husband wasn't since he was self employed.
An IdahoWorks person called my husband's cell phone the next day and asks for me. He told her that it isn't my phone number. She was irritated that she called the wrong number. He took a message and texted me. I called her but she was rude as I asked questions to try and determine what to prepare for. Did I need a resume, did I need to bring anything? I asked how long the program runs. She used a voice that crackled with irritation and judgment, "its mandatory until you get a job!" she snapped at me.
"I mean, how long is the orientation? I need to schedule transportation and child care. I'm not trying to get out of anything." I felt compelled to tack that last bit on. Somewhat less snappish she told me to expect it to go until noon or later. That doesn't actually help me plan out childcare or even transportation, but I thank her anyway.
My birthday was celebrated with red meat. I feel that frisson of guilt from reading too many social network statuses that talk about how awful welfare people are for eating steak. It was a great steak, bought at the discounted food store, where the sell-by date was already past. You know us welfare queens... always taking advantage of the system!
Today, I listen to bluegrass music and wish for a better tomorrow.
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